Monday, February 6, 2012

this is my heart... my love for my day to day life

five days a week, I reluctantly drag myself out of my bed, get ready half asleep, drive half an hour to work, and love what I do.  some days are hard.  the past week has been really stressful and difficult.  more days than not my heart breaks.  often I am at a loss for what to do, I need advice, and I feel like I'm in over my head.  is this what you're supposed to admit when talking about your career?  well, this is my truth. 

I don't remember when I landed at the idea of being a school counselor.  I wanted to be an interior decorator, a dress designer, and entrepreneur, a vet (until I realized that most animals scare me before I ever like them), and so many other things.  at one time I was torn between accounting and child psychology... HA!  in that time I searched myself.  I have felt a greater purpose in my life for years now.  I know my life is not my own.  I know I am a tool and a vessel for His love.  I realized I wanted to work in a school for a few reasons: I could pour out love on every child, not just the ones that were crying out, but ALL; I could be a mom eventually; and, let's be honest, I could have every summer off... awesome, right?!

the huge poster that greeted me this morning.  with the name of every student from my school on it.  really, I love them.
I do have the best job.  I have been absolutely blessed beyond measure to do what I do each day.  my life struggles include pride and comparing myself--this is why He put me where I am.  DAILY I am humbled by the lives around me.  DAILY I am not enough, I am at a loss for words, and my heart breaks.  I went to school for too long to have no clue as to what to do when a 7 year old tells me what is happening in his home, but often, I don't know what to do.  I do know however that a child needs love.  a child needs to know that someone cares, that he is important, and smart, and special.  this is what creates growth and stretches me in my faith.  this is my job.

life happens in the in between.  life is not about the classes we take, the touchdowns we score, the dates we go on, the awards we win, or even the job we do: life is about everything that happens before, after, and in between those things.  my job consists of greeting children as they arrive from the chaos at home to the extreme structure of school.  I solve problems by throwing footballs and jumping rope at recess.  I teach kids about things I wish didn't exist in life, strangers and drugs and so much more.  I go to a ridiculous amount of meetings.  I wear "teacher clothes" and live in the life of the Ms. and Mrs. with no first names.  what a great life I live.  I get to see everything in the in between.  it's not about the classes, but about the high fives, the smiles, the hugs in the halls, and the "hey buddy" greetings each morning and afternoon.

despite the stories that tear me apart I know that my purpose is greater.  I love the mess.  I love the messy relationships, the people, the adults, the children, and the disaster that we all are.  I am humbly reminded of my need for Him each day in this career and how I am called to follow Him, to love the unlovable, to reach out the the unaccepted.  does it get any better?